The List
by ezriaforever-b26
Summary: "The whole time he was in the hospital, I was just making up this list, of the things that I would tell him if I just got one more chance. And now, he's okay, and I'm so glad that he's okay, but I'm just, I'm stuck with that list still." Aria wants nothing more than to tell Ezra everything she's feeling, so she goes to his apartment, and she reads him her list.


It was late, and Aria didn't really know, or understand why, but for some reason she was stood outside apartment 3B, and she was about to knock.

Maybe it was the couple of glasses of wine that she'd drank with dinner, or the talk that she'd had with her Mom. It could be the fact that she was the closest to breaking point that she'd ever been in her entire life, or even that she'd just had enough of keeping everything inside her for so long. But whatever it was that had made her get in her car and drive over here, it didn't matter. She _was _here, and she was knocking. _  
_

It took a few minutes, but Aria heard movement inside. She bit her lip. _I should have called first. He must be terrified. _

"It's just me, it's Aria."

As soon as she said those words, the chains rattled and the door swung open. Ezra stood in a baggy t-shirt and sweatpants. His feet were bare and his hair was messy and tousled; she'd clearly woken him up.

"Hey." He said it casually, like it was two in the afternoon and she was coming over for lunch, not like it was almost midnight and she had disturbed his sleep.

"I'm so sorry. I woke you up. I don't even know why I thought it would be okay to turn up like this-" Aria was about to turn around and leave but Ezra interrupted her.

"Aria, stop, it's okay." And it was. Ezra appreciated every single moment he got to spend with her just lately. After what had happened, he certainly didn't anticipate to be getting even half of the time she was giving him. He gestured for her to come inside and she did, smiling weakly. She looked over to the bed almost instinctively, and his sheets were all messy.

Turning back around, she shook her head. "No, this is ridiculous. I should go, you were sleeping."

"Aria, if I cared more about sleep than seeing you, I would have just ignored the knocking. Sit down, do you want anything to drink?"

He closed the front door and walked over into the kitchen area, rubbing his eyes and yawning discretely.

"No, no I'm fine.. thank you."

Ezra stopped, walking back over to where she was, sitting down opposite her. He had noticed her tone, and her worried look. "Are you okay?"

Aria shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not entirely sure why I came here.. Well, actually, that's a lie. I know exactly why I came here, but now I feel ridiculous and stupid about it."

Ezra's eyes widened. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." She could barely make eye contact.

"You know, you don't have to tell me why you came here. And you don't need to have a reason to come over, you do know that, right? You're always welcome, whenever."

Aria nodded slowly. "Yeah.. Yeah I know. It's just been a little different lately. You know, than it was before."

Ezra just nodded.

"I wrote a list." Aria piped up and spoke quickly, seizing the small amount of courage as it made it's way through her body. "Um, when you were in the hospital. I came here to read it to you."

"A list?" Ezra's full attention was on her now.

"Yeah, I know it sounds stupid. But, when you were unconscious, I couldn't help but worry that you were gonna be gone for good so I made this list of things that I would tell you if you woke up. And then you did wake up, but I..." she sighed and spoke slowly, "..still haven't told you."

Ezra remained silent as Aria reached into her bag and pulled out quite a large, white, creased napkin. It looked like it was from the hospital cafeteria, and he could tell that there were scribbles all over it, written in black ink. There were other illegible black marks on it, too, all around the edges. They were only small, but Ezra knew that they must be from her mascara, from her black tears dripping onto the material. It made his stomach turn.

For a moment, Aria remained silent, and she just stared at it. She held onto the napkin tightly, her fingers keeping their grip on the edges like it was a matter of life or death. She didn't look up at Ezra once. When she was lying on her bed at home, she thought she was ready for this. Her Mom had inspired something inside of her, some kind of new-found bravery that had awoken deep in her soul, convincing her that she was strong and that this was a good idea. But sitting here, with this tattered bit of tissue, and the love of her life sat across from her, she was terrified.

Aria concentrated on Ezra's breathing. It was quiet, so she had to listen. It gave her a focus.

He spoke up. "You know, you don't _have_ to read that to me-"

"Ezra," Aria spoke his name loudly, with determination. She was ready to begin.

"Right now you're sleeping. You're sleeping, and you might not wake up. And despite everything, that frightens me to my very core." Aria's voice was very shaky, but she managed to look up at Ezra who had a gentle expression on his face.

"The last couple of weeks, we haven't spoken much. Before you turned up on the roof, our last meeting was in your apartment. I shouted at you, and all around you, it was just a mess. A mess that I had made, because I was angry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I ruined your apartment and wrecked all of your stuff. I'm just sorry."

"But... but you broke my heart." Aria's voice wobbled. She could feel her eyes filling with tears but she took a deep breath and shook it off. "No one's ever done that to me before. Probably because I've never really trusted anyone with it, other than you. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me, but then you turned into the worst, and I'm still trying to figure out in my head how that can be."

"Maybe this is crazy. I guess you got your karma and after the way you made me feel, I should be dancing around, happy that now _you're _the one who's hurting, not me. But I can't even think about that without feeling sick to my stomach. All I want is for you to get better. All I want is to see you get up out of that hospital bed and smile again, that smile that I have always loved and always will. God, I really do love your smile. That's something I need to tell you if- _when _you wake up. It's like you never even have to say anything, ever. You know exactly how to smile for whatever the situation. I'm so grateful for that. I'm useless. It takes me so long to judge a situation, to judge what the appropriate reaction to it is, but not you. Instinctively, you just now what to do and your smile contributes to most of it. I'll never get sick of that."

"I feel kinda stupid writing this now, despite what happened. But I need to say it to you. I love how I could always trust you. You know, I've told you things that I could never tell anyone, and we've done things that I could never do with anyone else. I could always count on you to keep my secrets."

Aria stopped talking and just stared at the writing. _I could always count on you to keep my secrets. _A tear escaped her eyes because at one point that was true. Up until that day when she found out, she knew through and through that no matter what, Ezra would always be someone that she could trust. She told him about the Jenna thing, something that the girls hadn't told a single soul about outside of their group. But then she thought of how he would probably have put all of this into his book, and she thought she was gonna spew.

She looked up at Ezra, and his eyes were glossy and damp. He was looking right at her, so she continued.

"I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you fully again. But if you get better, I'm gonna try so hard. So hard. Because I want to believe that you truly loved me, and that when it came down to it, I would have ranked higher than a stupid book."

Aria slowly turned the napkin over, and there were more notes. Not as many, but they were still there. She wasn't done yet.

"I don't wanna be all shallow.. but I love your hair." She smiled faintly, still looking at the paper. "I love how it's always so weirdly messy but it just looks so _good_. I've always been a sucker for guys with dark hair, and even more of a sucker when it's kinda curly, too, and longer at the front. Like, you know, how I always have to move your hair out of your face when we kiss, or even when we're just close to one another. It's absolutely one of my favorite habits."

"I just heard the nurses talking about you. They say that you're gonna be okay. I'm so relieved, I honestly didn't know if you were gonna be okay or not. When we were up on the roof and I saw you with that horrible wound which was just pouring with blood, I thought I might just bleed out right there myself. And then I tried to catch you when you fell but I couldn't hold you properly.. you were always the strong one, both physically and mentally. But I just wanted to catch you _so_ badly, and hold you, and make everything okay. And then you touched my face and you said you were sorry and that word is now just a permanent echo in my mind. You thought you might _die. _You had no idea if you would ever be able to talk to me again and you used that last word to tell me that you were sorry, like it was the most important thing in the whole entire world. That is something that I can't get out of my head. I don't know if I'll ever read this to you. But if I do, then I gotta force myself to say this,"

Ezra noticed Aria read the next words in her head, and her whole face changed. She looked up at him and then back to the words, then to him again with a 'oh, what the hell,' kind of expression.

"_I do still love you,_" she said softly, sincerely, looking back at the napkin. "Despite everything, I do. I know that I shouldn't. I know I have every right to hate you and want you to be dead right now, but the truth is that I could never hate you. I love you, and I want us to make things work, and if that makes me weak, then so be it, because I don't feel weak at all. I've been to hell and back these past few weeks and now that you're okay I feel stronger than ever. It's never going to be the same, but maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing. I love the old us, I do, but imagine a new us. Starting from scratch, sharing everything, no secrets at all. I love you, Ezra. I always will, and I hope to God that I find the courage to read this to you because it's what I need to get out and I think it's what you need to hear."

Aria stopped talking, and she placed the napkin on the coffee table. Ezra was looking down, but then his attention shifted to the napkin, and then to Aria herself.

"I'm sorry if that was a lot to handle. Especially this late."

Ezra shook his head, a look of disbelief on his face. "No, no," he said quickly, "not at all. I, well, yeah, okay it was a lot. But you're right, I needed to hear it.." He paused. "So, you wrote that when you were at the hospital?"

"Yeah, um, at first it was just in my head, when I was waiting for you to get out of surgery. But then, when you saw Shana and started to freak out and stop breathing, and I had to leave the room, I really thought that I might lose you. So I just grabbed whatever I could and wrote everything down so I wouldn't forget it."

"Aria, I, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I was the one who had to say something. I've treated you unfairly, especially these last few days. I led you on-"

"You didn't lead me on."

"But I still let us have sex, Ezra!" Aria's tone got louder but then softer. "I did that, and then I told you that it was a mistake. And then I've barely talked to you and when I have I've made you feel bad and overreacted about stupid things, as well as taking things out on you that I shouldn't."

Aria sighed and shook her head. "I'm just such a mess right now. I'm sorry. But maybe it's your fault. Or, mine. If I didn't love you so damn much then I wouldn't have allowed myself to go this insane. And then I went and killed someone, which definitely didn't make things any better.."

Aria's speed quickened as she spoke and suddenly she was fighting for breath. Her words faded as she struggled to breathe in and out.

"Aria?!" Ezra jumped up from his seat and sat close to her on the couch.

"Breathe, babe, breathe." He wrapped his arms around her and held onto her tightly as her breathing became more regular and her panic attack subsided. "There you go, deep breaths. I'm gonna go get you some water."

He got up and went to the kitchen, still able to hear Aria's deep breaths, giving him comfort that she was getting calmer. He got a glass and filled it, then returned to the couch and sat down, giving it to her.

"Thank you," Aria managed to mumble after a few sips. Her breathing went back down to normal after a few moments of silence, and she finished the glass, emptying it.

Now a lot closer to her than he was before, Ezra turned to her.

"Aria, I'm so sorry. I know I said it a lot before but I am. I don't know how many times I'll have to say it but I'll do it until you know how much I mean it. I just. I don't know what else to say to you because I don't deserve to even be able to be talking to you right now. I don't deserve you at all. I don't. But, I just, I love you so much and when I see what I've done to you.." Ezra began to break as he looked at her. He couldn't hold her gaze for much longer, so he looked down, feeling defeated as tears escaped his eyes. He suddenly felt a warmth, Aria's hand on his. He looked up at her and her eyes were dampening, too.

"Then let's start over."

"What?" Ezra's surprise was adamant. "Aria, are you sure? It's late, and we're both high on emotion right now-"

"I could be laughing with my friends at two o'clock in the afternoon and I'd still feel the same way."

Ezra looked at her in amazement. "But I was such a _jerk._" _  
_

"Yes, you were. Your point?"

Ezra let out a laugh, his tears fading. Aria smiled at him widely. "You're so amazing, do you know that?"

Aria shrugged.

"This is it then. Us. This is it, forever. I know that sounds ridiculous and we're both still so young, _even me_." Aria let out a laugh. "But I'm serious. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. I screwed things up but I promise you I'm gonna spend the rest of our lives making it up to you. If you'll let me."

Aria's smile spread across her face, and she nodded. "You really meant it, didn't you? On the ski lift. You never lied to me about how you felt about me. You truly did love me, in spite of everything."

"I still do," Ezra said softly, "I always will."

Aria didn't say anything else, and Ezra looked straight into her eyes, biting onto his lip, thinking. He scanned her face, her eyes, her nose, her mouth. Everything was perfect, and he'd just been given another chance, something he never even dreamed he'd get in a hundred, or even a thousand years. This had started off as a cheap, tacky book about a dead girl, and it had ended in the greatest love of his whole entire life. Perhaps his only _true_ love. He did regret the book, of course he did. But if he hadn't had wrote it, he wouldn't have stayed in Rosewood. He never would have seen Aria in the bar and they never would have fell in love.

Aria could read exactly what he was thinking. She edged slightly closer to him, tightening her grip on his hand. She looked all over his face, settling finally on his lips. Leaning in slowly, Ezra reacted in-sync with her, tilting his head as their heads got closer, and their lips finally touched. It started off as an innocent brush, but then their tongues began to get re-acquainted. It was like they were meeting for the first time as the kiss intensified. They moved in perfect rhythm with each other and got closer and closer, then lower and lower on the couch, losing themselves in their love.

* * *

**This weeks episode really inspired me to expand on the whole 'list' thing that Aria mentioned. I know that she probably meant it in a more metaphorical way, but the idea that Aria scribbled everything down quickly on a napkin and then just put it in her pocket as she waited for Ezra to get better was just too precious to pass up. So I hope you enjoy! We're all waiting for an Ezria reconciliation, so I hope that this will suffice until the real thing happens!**

**You can find me on twitter ' adoringezriax' and as always, reviews are really appreciated!**


End file.
